A Mama's Fear

Today, I felt a loss so incredible.

 So instantaneous, that I felt helpless.

I felt numb.

Because today...I thought I lost my son.

Here's what happened:

Our home-school group (The Home school Homies)

 goes for a walk together at a local trail every Tuesday and Thursday.

It's a great opportunity to socialize ....

*cause you know that's important for us poor sheltered homeschoolers* ;0)

it's a chance to exercise and a chance to chat about how we're all holding up.

Today was a great day for walking, it was overcast but with a hint of sun and the kids were happy to run.

One kid in particular was happy to run.

My kid.

 

My Youngest.

My feisty, silly, charm you so you don't go crazy kid.

My Peanut.

 

We walked along together, as we usually do.

And then the kids started running ahead a bit, as they usually do.

But while the other munchkins slowed down when their mama's asked them to..

Mine kept going. 

To my embarrassment, I didn't run ahead and stop him.

 I kept talking to my friend, keeping my eyes out but not enforcing what I wanted.    

I "checked out".

And I asked his older brother to call him back.

When Jackson said "I don't see him!"..

then came the panic.

I walked a little faster, thinking "he'll be in sight once I get past this little hill"...

he wasn't.

then I ran.

All I could think about was:

There was a man that ran past us about 5 minutes ago...

where is that man? 

Where is my child?

 I ran til my lungs hurt, I cried and prayed out. 

I could hear myself saying "Oh God...oh my Lord...please. Please let him be here!" 

it felt like I ran so far, screaming his name.

 Hearing the other kids yell his name...

no answer.

I felt the world spinning around me.

I  went numb.

I knew the gate that we usually stop at and turn around was coming up, and said

 "Lord this is it...if he's not there..."

I look up.

And he's there.

Sitting on the gate as though nothing happened.

As though he was put out just waiting for all of us to reach him.

I cried.

I wanted to hug him and ...well NOT hug him if you get my drift.

But thankfulness reigned and I hugged him.

*and told him how selfish he was to run off and not care about how it would effect everyone else...and later made him write a letter about how he would feel if I ran away, and how his actions hurt my heart heart*

 *his picture of how he would feel*

But I hugged him.   

~Bekah

*I'm also bringing a leash next time, in case he decides he wants to test the boundaries again*

That moment was pretty sour if you ask me!:0P

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