A past pain revisted

 I was perusing through old pictures and documents on my computer a few weeks ago and found this...

There she is, smiling and loud.
To the untrained eye, she would even seem…proud.
From her pictures you may find vanity and conceit.
But underneath the photo lies the agony of defeat.


She’s quick with a compliment and adoring of friends.
But somehow feels like she’ll never fit in.
Unworthiness is a sickness that comes and goes.
How tiresome to always feel like the thorn on the rose.


That feeling to purge, she must constantly fight.
But she asks what right does she have to this life?
What does she bring to the beauty of the world?
Here she is…a sad and homely girl.


It seems as though the darkness is enclosing.
Pushing her further down the path of sadness.
She wants to shout out and reach for ..anything.
But the world is done with her needy hand.


DESPERATE, NEEDY, WORTHLESS, GREEDY.
These are the words that are screaming in her head….
She knows there’s a light, she’s known it the whole time.
Why does she refuse to feel worth  that eternal life?


The King…The Son…The Light…The One.
It’s to Him that she wants to run.
Stop hiding, stop fighting, stop leaving,
Start trying.


Start living, start loving,
She’s done grieving, she’s done shunning.
She is DESPERATE for His love, she is
NEEDY of His grace, she is WORTH no LESS than rubies,
She is GREEDY to see His face.

What does “beauty” hold for her?
What does “popularity” have to give?
What can the world possibly offer her now?
When she has that eternal life to live?

this is a poem that I wrote awhile back.

I remember writing it down in my journal.

Tears streaming down my face, my heart aching.

I sit here, a good year later.

And I hurt for this girl.

I've been through some big trials since this poem...I've lost, I've let go, I've fallen, I've cried, I've given in to bitterness and anger...

but somehow.....through His amazing grace...I'm stronger. 

Not knocked down.

Not unworthy. 

Not heartbroken. 

Hopeful

 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ² Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

*a passage that has gotten me through, over and over again, you can read the whole chapter here*