Surrender

"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within.

I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King"

video here

This song, and these lyrics have hit me hard as of late.

You see, God is working in our lives,...like for realz.

He's working in MAJOR ways over here!

And, I've come to realize that my life is the most beautiful, 
the most exciting and transformed,

 when I surrender my stubborn ways.

I recently told a friend that I feel like God put me on this earth, JUST so He could have a good laugh. To take this stubborn woman and set in her ways gal and show her how silly she is.

I should've know after our homeschool adventures that He would use my "Oh no, we're never going down that path again" attitude and make it positive.

Here's a little back story:

My hubby and I married in 2001, one MONTH after I turned 18.

It wasn't a spur of the moment decision, it was just two young people who KNEW with all their hearts that they were meant to be together. And like I said back then, when everyone was telling us to wait, "If we marry now, we can celebrate our 50th anniversary sooner!"
(C'mon, that's pretty impressive for an 17 year old)

So after a little over two years of marriage,in December of 2003 at the age of 20 (and 22 for my Chief) we welcomed our first baby into the world.

Jackson Tyler

Life as new parents and a family of three was blissful. Learning all of these new "baby things" together, was amazing!



Then in August of 2005, we were so blessed to have a baby girl.
Ryleigh Madisyn.
 Our little doll, and the apple of her daddy's eye.

"Our plan" was to wait until Ryleigh was two,
 and then try for our 3rd baby.

(oh those PLANS!)


Well....when Roo was 9 months old...SURPRISE!


in February 2007, we welcomed Gavin Michael into the world!

Once a Peanut, always a Peanut!


3 kids in 3 years!

We were surrounded by "baby"!
Baby toys, baby songs, baby shows, baby furniture, baby clothes, diapers, wipes, burp cloths.
 You get the picture...


It was like Groundhog Day....baby edition.


Needless to say, we were DONE.
 Do not pass go, do not collect free time,
 DO NOT TOUCH ME!! LOL


So, we truly convinced ourselves that God was speaking to our hearts and telling us to get Jeremy a vasectomy. I mean, seriously...we couldn't possibly take care of a another baby. We were tapped out.


Now, listen. I'm not by ANY means speaking out against vasectomies. Because I can't in good conscience be the "judge" of that choice, because as I said, we REALLY felt like it was the best choice. And maybe it was at that time. Maybe we needed that choice.


Because every time we were around another baby, or toddler,
 we would both give each other that look..you know the one.


*eyebrow UP*=

"Aren't you glad we aren't in their shoes anymore??"


or

when someone was in the throws of potty training.


"WORST days EVER!"


On the rare moments that I felt sad about not having more babies, my hubby would QUICKLY go through the "list" of why we are better off without a baby:


"No more diapers."


"Remember all the work?"


"Sleepless nights?"


"our kids are so self sufficient now!"



Yes, we were THAT couple.


But then, on a Sunday afternoon in January; we went to the beach as a family after church to enjoy the rare sunny day we had in our little coastal town.


I'll never forget that day, because it started out with a simple dress:

pic taken from that day

 In that flowy blue dress, I was watching our kids run and play in the water and sand, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, when my fella came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, and I blurted out..

"Oh...this is going to sound weird, but for a minute there I wanted your hands to rest on my pregnant belly."


expecting our usual "Oh yes, oh well...look how awesome our lives are now!" banter, instead I got a quiet moment from Jeremy... he then cleared his throat and said:


"Well, it's funny you say that, because I feel very strongly that God has put it on my heart to get my vasectomy reversed"


to which I simply replied.


*gulp*


and then he proceeded to tell me all the amazing ways he felt the Lord was speaking to his heart.


 I took it all in.

Not with squeals of delight, not with a grin of excitement.
 I just..listened.


I am being honest when I tell you that my first response was NOT to pray about it, my first response was to text family and friends saying "You would NOT believe the conversation Jeremy and I just had!!!" but I didn't. Oh I wanted to, I wanted to get advice from someone ASAP!


But slowly I felt my heart thawing, moving and responding to this idea.

And I prayed.


By Monday night, the VERY next night my friends;
Jeremy and I were praying and crying and KNEW this was the path we were meant to be on.


Everything just fell into place so beautifully.
The doctor we checked into had a average 6 month waiting list.

We had an appointment not even a MONTH later!


And now if you know me, you know that I am a worrier, more specifically about what other people think and feel. I hail from the People Pleaser Pack.
 I'm embarrassed to say that often I let my feelings get ruled out by others.

Well, I have been tested on this!
 I have had; well meaning talks, opposing opinions and some pretty snarky ones from different people. But I don't hold bitterness towards any of these, in fact they just bring me back to the fact that this is a God thing, because I feel this overwhelming PEACE.


So, friends and family, I know a lot of you already knew about this adventure and are already praying and sending love and encouragement. So for those that are doing this, I thank you and ask for continued prayer. For those who just found out, I say the same.



Because this day:

We surrendered.